Compassion…

Compassion comes in many forms, the one that sits front and center in my mind is expressing compassion by remaining silent, observing the situation and not interfering. How is this compassion? Here’s what I have learned. Growing up in the environment I grew up in was like growing up in a literal home made war zone, parents fighting, substance abuse, physical, mental you name it- it was all under one roof and I went through it. I began to show signs early on going to school, that I had a hard time knowing how to show love, or express feelings in a healthy way.

Adolescents was hard enough navigating without the proper tools to cope but I gave it my all. A very good friend of mine in high school ended up passing away and I did not take this well. I went to his mothers house and fell into her arms when she opened the door. I didn't realize how my expression of grief must have taken her by surprise. I cried so hard that when I finally released my embrace I had on his mother I looked up to see an entire audience of his family and friends sitting in his living room, and some girls I didn’t know rolling their eyes at me. I was so embarrassed. I tried as best I could to pull it together and find a corner to hide in so as not to feel like all eyes were on me.

I was approached later by a few people who told me I needed to learn that there’s a time and place to express myself and that my crying and carrying on must have made my best friends mother feel awkward or even worse than she already was already feeling. Another person told me that I looked so uneducated and that I would do well to stop trying to be the center of attention during this time.

This went on a couple more times, same concept, different versions but the same message. I was told I made a fool out of myself.

I don’t know how I stayed until everyone left, I was alone had no one to comfort my very bruised heart and I was so embarrassed that I think I stayed until everyone left just to apologize to his mother without everyone trying to tell me that every expression I made was wrong in some way. Funny that when the last person left and I was still there helping to clean up, she looked at me like I should be walking out with her so I don’t continue to make a fool out of myself, but I stayed anyway.

My best friends mother saw me grabbing trash bags and my clumsy attempt to help and said Pau… Come sit with me for a minute. I honestly thought she was going to let me have it for carrying on, but she didn’t. She pulled out a chair and I sat at the table next to her. She said “ I know your missing my son” I saw everyone coming up to you and I’m sorry they said what they said to you. I didn’t want to mention anything to you because I know the way that you show your emotions is just a reflection of just how devastating this is, you both were inseparable and he shared with me all that you have been through in your life and what you meant to him as a friend, so I know this is not easy at all for you.

This women lost her son and she’s consoling me? I still can’t understand that night and how strong the women in front of me was.

At the church services, she asked that I sit with her. We didn’t talk just a simple greeting but I could feel with just her mere presence the comfort I needed to make it through. My friend had died of a brain aneurysm and his family thought it would be best to have a closed casket. She whispered to me that after the services she would ask them to open the casket so that I could see my beloved best friend one last time. After everyone left that’s just what she did. I saw his mother caress his cold cheek and kiss his still bandaged head and cry a cry that only a mother who has lost a child could cry, its a sound that is so chilling and heartbreaking that I still struggle to find words to do that kind of pain justice.

Then it was my turn. I tried to act composed so as not to make a fool again out of myself. I looked into my best friends casket and with so many emotions running through my head all I could do was tell him I loved him with every bit of me, I loved him because while everyone around me said I was to much to deal with he stood by my side silently and never said a word other than, just be you eff the rest of people” When I vented my every struggle or my mind was replaying one of my memories on a loop from my war at home, he would not offer me any advice, instead he would tell me that life had a funny way of just falling into place on its own. I asked him what should I do about this or that. And he simply said “ how would I know I’ve never gone through that kind of stuff , we would both laugh I would lean my head on his shoulder and tell him , yeah I guess your right.

All of these experiences are now over, how the eff was I supposed to move forward when what I thought was my entire support system and my entire idea of happiness laid in a box in front of me, To say that my grief overwhelmed me is not even close to an accurate description of that moment, I felt so sad that the only thing I was grateful for was that this body didn’t need my thoughts to keep breathing, my body could manage to continue to pump my heart and my legs somehow held me up without me having to force them. Amazing how true his words are still to this day.

almost 25 years ago and I still cant get over his compassion. His silence around me that said everything, his observing my situation and never offering advice but just being my shoulder to lean on, Love speaks in so many beautiful ways and his way of compassion is still the most beautiful form of expression I know of to this day. In the words of my Yuri “ Life has a funny way of just working itself out”.